I'm The Greatest Husband on Earth
Not Emotionally, but as a Guy Who Does His Fair Share of Housework
After nearly 15 years of marriage, it is hard to be humble about being an amazing spouse. I read about how terrible most men are and I’m like: I’m not like that at all! I do the most dishes in the house. I wash, fold, and put away my own clothes, usually the same day. While I’m not a great cook, I am happy to whip up dinner for the family with whatever we have in the house. And I take the brush on a quick lap of the bowl if I drop a terrible deuce.
WOW (you are hopefully thinking)! This guy sounds like he does roughly his half of the housework. After we plan the parade, we should get around to asking Dr. J what the secret to being such a good partner.
I’m glad you asked, since helps me transition my article really well.
The secret to being a good (male) partner around the house is just three easy steps:
Be a bachelor into your 30’s and rely on yourself for everything
Marry someone who won’t let you fall into laziness
Don’t screw it up
(transitions from excited, insincere tone to regular conversational tone)
As a married person over 40, it is normal - nay, required - that you gossip with your partner about every couple you know. Who picks up after themselves? Who makes dinner? Who gets up with the kids? Who washes the dishes? Who is a lump that contributes nothing?
Mrs. Dr. J’s high school friends are getting divorced. In the past two years, four out of four of her girlfriends have gotten divorced. The themes were mostly the same…the men were lumps and the (mostly professional) women were tired of carrying the load.
A divorce lawyer on a fairly famous Tic Toc said the same thing:
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According to science - OK, studies, which still involved egghead intellectuals1 - divorced and/or never married women have it better than married women. I pulled a few quotes from a frequently used study.2
Never-married and divorced mothers spent about a half hour less per day than married mothers doing housework, whereas cohabiting and married mothers reported about the same amount of housework time.
The bivariate results show married mothers spent the most time in housework and childcare and the least amount of time in leisure and sleep, compared with all other mothers.
Partnered mothers spent the most time on housework, and we found minimal differences in childcare time among mothers. Thus, although partnered mothers theoretically can share some household labor with their partners, our findings showed that living with a heterosexual male partner was associated with mothers’ greater time spent on housework.
Never-married and divorced mothers reported more time for sleep compared with partnered mothers. These findings are consistent with the gender perspective’s theoretical predictions that married mothers have less time for sleep and leisure in part because “doing gender” leads partnered women to prioritize housework and childcare over leisure and sleep.
The part about heterosexual male partners is in bold, since I am an average heterosexual male. You cannot get averager than me: I grew up white, middle class, and not even a little gay.3 I’m 5’10” and a half and possess the median level of chubbiness. If I didn’t have an oversized nose, I could go on a bank robbing spree and never get picked out of the line-up.
Where am I going with all of this? I guess it is a wake up call to the men I know: you need to step it up. “I mow the lawn” is not enough. Talk to the woman in your life and see how she feels about the division of labor.
Maybe make sure the kitchen is clean before you retreat to your corner of the house with your video game. Make dinner once or twice a week - it can be Hamburger Helper or grilled cheese sandwiches. Take the kids shopping, which counts as both child care and running errands (you are welcome, dads). Know the kids school and activity schedules and commit either drop-off or pick up every day.
And for fuck’s sake, do your own laundry. You aren’t nine years old.
Getting more involved in daily workings of your home is the easiest thing you can do to keep your marriage on an even keel. Before you start grumbling, just think about how much housework you will have to do once she leaves you. Who is going pair up your socks then?
I am not among these people. I have never published, which is both really sad and sort of amazing as I have tenure.
Pepin, J. R., Sayer, L. C., & Casper, L. M. (2018). Marital status and mothers’ time use: Childcare, housework, leisure, and sleep. Demography, 55(1), 107-133. Full article here.
Sure I’ve kissed a man or three in my life, but humor was always involved. Also, I know averager isn’t a word but it felt right in the moment.